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machineboi

the walking dead

[the outbreak] | [the infected] | [the epidemic] | [the end]
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[06 May 2008|12:43am]
livejournal, you are the museum dinosaur's dusty flatulence of the internet.
a bite or a scratch

[07 Jul 2007|07:07am]
friends only
comment to be added.
12 infected | a bite or a scratch

[07 Oct 2006|05:21pm]
it's really all just another blow to my ego.
second time, doesn't feel any better with this one, either.
even though I have no right to feel this way.
absolutely no right whatsoever.

I still do.

I imagine, I'll get over it.
it'll get better, or at least I'm hoping.

but all in all, it's just one less thing to hope for.
a bite or a scratch

[10 Jun 2006|08:27pm]
I am going to be in south dakota in 9 days.
I am both incredibly excited, and extremely nervous.
the retarded shit is that I'm probably going to cry when I see her.

It's been a long time coming...far too long.
4 infected | a bite or a scratch

[05 Jun 2006|03:29am]
this would be better if I could just move.
1 infected | a bite or a scratch

[02 Mar 2006|08:18pm]
some music thing stolen from saraCollapse )
a bite or a scratch

[07 Feb 2006|12:37am]
so, news for today.
a friend whom I thought I'd lost is now talking to me again, so I'm happy.
and, even though it's way belated and I haven't told a whole lot of people yet, I'm going to be an uncle again.
1 infected | a bite or a scratch

[05 Feb 2006|08:59pm]
even though I'm not going to tag anybody else, because sara's fucking lame or something.

seven songs I'm into lately.

1. unkle - reign
2. bury your dead - magnolia
3. life in your way - the change
4. the prosaics - failure
5. the fall of troy - f.c.p.r.e.m.i.x.
6. questia - crystal clouds
7. august burns red - consumer
1 infected | a bite or a scratch

[05 Feb 2006|08:41pm]
I apologize
I've spent the past few weeks feeling as if I'm a monstrosity
retrospectively inclined, and it's bullshit in hindsight.
I'm still the villain for speaking what everybody was thinking.
for assuming the logical to be true.
yet in spite of my caring, I'm still the asshole, because I was honest.

I guess that old wive's tale is false, at best.

if moses was showing us the promised land, this sure as hell isn't it.
there's life everywhere except in myself.

I love her. I don't love her. But I'll be damned if I don't try to see if that happens.
...because as I said, I do love her. She is a saint to a sinner like myself, and I owe her my life.

I will not be the ritual shit in the hole that festers until it ruins everything around it.
I will decay properly, and allow my filth to do something good for a change.
I must feed something's growth with my own impurities.
a bite or a scratch

[24 Jan 2006|12:31am]
living life like you're riding a bullet is hell.
I hate having the sense that any day
I'm going to impact with something at high speed
...and kill myself along with it.

every second I'm awake, it's the fear of the inevitable
along with the regrets about which trajectory I've decided to take
the curve of my line, and the untimely fall downward,
no matter how fast I've been traveling forward.

the hopeless endeavor of trying to bring life to anything
when I myself am a vessel for destruction.
I create wounds, and by a means of a liar's irony
I try to take away the pain from those wounds

simply by creating others for people to focus on

whether they're in myself or others.

no matter how straight I seem to travel
I'm always spinning around in circles
and hoping to land on target
but at this speed everything's a blur

there are no clear visuals here
just projectile vomit in the form of light and sound
as if I'm looking at the world with sand in my eyes
from burying my head in the dirt for too long

trying to find someone the worms are eating

I'm trying to pull my head out
trying to right the wrongs
trying to slow down the bullet
and turn it into a mountain

so it can come crashing to the earth

before the worms eat me alive
a bite or a scratch

[22 Jan 2006|06:28pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

So, I've learned that she's moved completely beyond me. This one-time great friend of mine; the person that I spent nearly a year talking to.

It's really over...and it hurts (a lot).

But at the same time, she seems to be doing better. She seems like she's getting her life sorted out. As much as I hate not talking to her, and knowing that I'm no longer a friend, at least she's happy.

All that said, it still sucks, and I still feel empty.

Aside from that, school blows. I sit in those rooms and I think to myself, I've got 11 more years of this shit? Do I really want to become a doctor? Do I really care about people that much any more? I'm not really sure if I do. All in all, the past couple of months have made me realize that I don't really care about anyone. She was right about one thing; it's a waste of time to care about anybody. In contrast, I should only care about myself. After all, the most selfish-despicable people on this planet always end up having all of the wealth, all of the fast cars, the big houses, the respect.

It doesn't matter how much you give to people. Every time I've cared about someone, they always end up leaving/shitting on me/doing a 180. This is the universal truth. All "good things" come to an end, and always when you need them the most.

So I chance it, and I constantly say it's worth it to put energy into people. To spend months and years trying to make them feel loved. More and more however, I'm beginning to see that is a lie that I've fed myself for my entire life.

It still fucking sucks.

2 infected | a bite or a scratch

[09 Jan 2006|07:32pm]
I fucked up.
I got angry.
I let my frustrations best my compassion...
I may have lost a good friend because of it.
...and I couldn't feel worse because of it.
a bite or a scratch

[08 Jan 2006|03:29am]
watching hostel tonight made me think about a lot of things
the film made me feel guilty, almost as if I was supposed to feel that way
I drove home
and I looked at everything
a lot of what exists in the world
it seems like we progress to a level of perversion
beyond that, when we can go no further with our sexual, masochistic, or spiritual deviations
we progress to violence against other people

this is how we are
we're beasts waiting to be unleashed
we're the sin in adam and eve trickling down to ourselves

we have no innocence

if the dead are wrapped in cellulose, they are worthless
forgettable, monotonous, "a way of life"
a mere projection, and nothing more
we only care about the dead in two instances

it's what we're soon to be
it's someone we need/love/want

a hurricane hits
a bomb lands
a gunshot rings

the 5 o clock news
and we don't care
"a woman and her child were murdered today"
how terrible; now on to my primetime fixation
on to our lives without them

every death should be meaningful, but they're not
our lives aren't meaningful any more

we forget our dead just as we forget our innocence
we laugh at the torture of other people
we exist as a callous monster eating everything around it
this plague known as mankind; mindless corpses feasting on the flesh of god's creation

snuff, pornography, murder, rape, greed, lust
the pandemic nature of our history
and histories to come

in my right hand, life giving water
in my left hand, blood
and I, like everyone else, will wash them with each other

we deserve whatever hell awaits
2 infected | a bite or a scratch

[22 Dec 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | tired ]

so, here is my class schedule for winter semester

1. English 102 Honors -
Monday & Wednesday 1:00 pm - 2:25 pm
/
2. Psychology 282 Honors -
Tuesday & Thursday 11:00 am - 12:25 pm
/
3. Music Appreciation 180 -
Friday 9:00 am - 11:55 am
/
4. Anthropology 211 -
Wednesday 6:00 pm - 8:55 pm

hooray, I guess.
apparently I was the last person to sign up for classes this year.

I did some last minute christmas shopping today (presents for myself) and I am tired right now.

3 infected | a bite or a scratch

[09 Dec 2005|01:21am]
holy crap does star wars ever suck.
10 infected | a bite or a scratch

[08 Dec 2005|01:18am]
dear human race,
why are so many atheists so very pissed off?
for being "open minded", they sure are angry.

my conclusion - they're just as clueless as everybody else, only they're angry that, after years of trying to use logic, math, and science to find "the truth", they're still stuck in the exact same spot as everybody else.
a bite or a scratch

[30 Nov 2005|04:26pm]
ever have one of those feelings like you should be shot in the face?
I don't want to die. I just wish someone would shoot me in the face so I could be horribly disfigured.
maybe be forced to live my life as a hermit due to my disfigured look.
I don't want to die, physically.

problem is, it seems like I've already died spiritually.
couple that with being alone and you can warp yourself fairly well.
chance is I could vomit acid and it would really make sense to me.
but I'm not something out of giger's mind.

I am a worthless cesspool of piss and shit for the most part.
fuck the hero role, I'm tired of helping everybody but myself.
I want to be a monk, pour gasoline on myself, and set myself on fire.
all in a bunker underground.

that way it's a protest to nobody but myself.
and when they find the corpse years later
they'd be just as clueless as the people martin luther king and ghandi were trying to help.
yet somehow, I want to survive the fire.
not like a phoenix, but existing as bones.
numb, just clanking and chattering around, blind, existing with no feeling.
braindead, just eating for no reason, sleeping, empty.

made out of titanium so I can kill without dying.
I'll be the angel of death, a zombie...
and I'll kill everybody for their sins.
9 infected | a bite or a scratch

[21 Nov 2005|02:28am]
[ mood | bored ]

shit.
this has been the most boring week ever.
I can't wait to get out of the house.

a bite or a scratch

[06 Oct 2005|01:52pm]
so new things

1. I'm dating a beautiful girl
2. my job sucks, but I have enough money for college so I'm quitting it for now.
3. I am officially doing designs for still remains for their tour with norma jean
4. I have time off, so who wants to hang out?
5 infected | a bite or a scratch

[25 Sep 2005|03:45pm]
it's so hard to validify what I try to say now.
nobody seemed to listen before.
run your mouth, and nobody gives a shit.
yet the moment you do something that they don't like, you're a hypocrite, a liar, worthless.
everything you say is bullshit at that point. but isn't that how life works?

I miss the feeling that I was doing something right with my life...
I always said my purpose was to save people, to make their lives worthwhile.
for what seems like a long time now I've had to try living life for myself, doing things for myself.
yet doing those things makes me feel incomplete. it makes me feel like I'm neglecting everything in myself.

I don't think I've ever been more disatisfied with myself as an individual, ever.

it's time to change again.
stop smoking.
cut back on drinking.
find my own damn spirit, and not neglect what I am.

it's odd to think that almost 1/3 of my life is over at this point.
a bite or a scratch

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